The New York Times recently published an article on their parenting blog discussing the idea of “nesting” after a divorce and asked whether their readers thought it was a good idea. The topic provoked a heated response from many, with readers divided on the subject. It’s clear that the idea has received increased attention in recent years, as some couples have tried to maintain one household even after divorce in the interest of stability for their children.
The concept of nesting began as some couples sought to find a way to keep their children’s lives relatively consistent through the turmoil of divorce. The term “nesting” refers to the practice of former spouses sharing or rotating through a single home in which their children live full-time. The goal is to avoid having the children feel like they are living out of a suitcase following a divorce, creating much needed stability in a time of great change.
Experts say that nesting can work very well in some cases, but be disastrous in others. In marriages that fell apart due to violence or dangerous addictions, continuing to share a residence would not be a good idea and would likely make things more difficult for the children. In cases where the parents are amicable after the split and have the financial resources to make it work, nesting can lead to incredibly collaborative co-parenting. Some experts say in cases where the parents are truly able to get along, it can be ideal for children who are placed at the center of their parents’ lives without being stuck in the middle.
Even in cases where the split was amicable, it does not mean that nesting will be easy. After all, the spouses were not able to get along during their marriage, so having to work together and agree after it’s over can be even more difficult. Certain challenges will still have to be overcome to make this arrangement work, and some of the questions you should ask include the following:
- Who will be responsible for housekeeping and household maintenance?
- Who owns what and who has the right to make changes to the house?
- Who pays rent and how much is owed?
- Where will the other parent be when one parent is nesting with the kids?
- What about food, clothing and other basic necessities, how will those expenses be split?
Some other things to watch for if you’re considering nesting is to be sure that your children do not mistake this as a precursor to getting back together. Experts say that parents should be sure to remind their children that reconciliation is not going to happen.
One of the most difficult aspects of nesting, and one that often derails attempts to create such a nest, is developing new relationships. If one spouse wants to bring a new mate into the “family home”, it can blow up the entire arrangement. Trying to navigate so many landmines can be dicey, but for some, the hassle is worth it for the happiness of their children.
Source: “Does ‘Nesting’ Children After Divorce Work?,” by KJ Dell’Antonia, published at NYTimes.com.
